Shattered dreams
by Amaranthe Athenais
Summary: It's set in the pre-series. Robin informs Marian about his decision to fight in the Holy Land for King Richard and England, but she doesn't understand him. Hopes and dreams are shattered.


**Shattered dreams**

Robin and Marian agreed to meet in Sherwood, in their favorite place. It was the place where they often spent time watching beautiful sunrises and sunsets, sitting on the ground in a tight, warm embrace and dreaming of their future. He spoke about his love for her for the first time as they strolled in the woods, shaded by the crows of tall trees. Robin kissed Marian on the same place for the first time in her life. It was a very important and memorable place for them.

As Marian reached her destination, she dismounted and tied her horse to the tree. She crossed the clearing, her heart pounding in delight to meet her betrothed. She emerged from the screen of the trees; she lifted her eyes at the sky, humming a joyful song under her breathe. She frowned as she saw the sky streaked with sooty gray clouds through which the sun was slowly sinking.

On the opposite side of the clearing, Marian spotted Robin standing under the meadow. He came without Much, and she rejoiced that they weren't chaperoned today. Her heart hammering harder and harder, Marian suddenly found herself gathered in his strong arms, his rapacious mouth moving over hers with hunger and intensity which she welcomed. The heat from his body melted into hers as she wound her arms around his neck, running her ﬁngers into his thick sandy-colored hair.

"Marian, I missed you so much," Robin said in an aching voice as he broke the kiss and drew back. He looked into her eyes, his gaze insecure and almost vulnerable. "I have something important to tell you."

Marian shook her head and tried to smile to cover her agitation in the light of meeting him. "Robin, you know that you can always tell me everything."

Robin nodded, and though his expression was pleasant, he appeared slightly ill at ease. He took her hands in his, looking right into her eyes. "I have to leave, Marian."

"Oh, Robin, you have just come back from King Richard's coronation in London! I can hardly believe that you are leaving again!"

"Marian," Robin said through a voice choked with emotion, "Something changed, my love."

Marian blinked her eyes, her heart near to bursting. She couldn't be angry with her betrothed for his departure to London to attend the magnificent coronation of the new King, but she didn't wish Robin to leave her again, travelling somewhere only two months before their wedding.

"I am sorry, but I don't understand."

Robin lowered his head shyly; he couldn't look at her. "I am leaving for an indefinite time, hopefully for not more than a year or two." He raised his gaze at her, and, clasping her about the waist, he drew her close. "I must leave England to serve my King and England. It is my duty to my liege and my country." His pale blue eyes filled with small tears. "And it hurts me to think that I will be separated from you. I cannot… think of all the minutes I will have to spend without you. Life will be a torture without you." He tipped her chin up with one finger. "I will miss you with all my heart."

Marian trembled in his arms. "Robin, why do you have to be separated from me?" Her sapphire blue eyes glowed as she looked up at him and touched her hand to his cheek. "Our wedding is so soon. You should stay in your estates, in Locksley or in Huntington." She smiled. "The organization of the wedding is so difficult. But it is such a pleasant experience."

"Marian, we cannot marry in two months," Robin whispered somewhat sorrowfully. "We can marry either next week, before my departure, or when I return."

At first, she was confused; then her expression evolved into amazement. "Why do you want to marry so urgently, Robin?" She brushed away a strand of hair from his forehead. "We were planning a grand wedding. My father wanted to invite all my distant relatives and all the nobles from the shire. Maybe you relatives from Scotland will also come."

"Marian…" he began in a caressing tone, but stopped himself.

Cocking an eyebrow at him, she smiled teasingly. "Robin, we need around two months to make our arrangements for the wedding. Or do you want everyone to say that I am unable to organize our wedding and that I will be incapable of running a household?"

"Marian, your father knows that I have to leave England very soon. He supports my idea to marry you before my departure," Robin informed.

She shot him a bemused look. "My father agrees to let us have a hasty wedding?"

Robin met her questioning gaze and smiled. "Yes, he does."

"Oh." She sighed deeply.

He lifted her hand to press a quick kiss into her palm. "Let's marry next week. You will marry me, my Marian? You will become my wife, the Countess of Huntington and the Lady of Locksley?"

Marian disentangled from his embrace. "Where are you going?" Her voice was low and husky.

"When I was in London, I had a long conversation with King Richard," Robin said in a steady, quiet voice. He smiled with a charming smile that had always bewitched her. "King Richard is departing to the Holy Land in the next few months, and I am going to accompany him." His voice was growing agitated. "Our King honored me, and I became a member of King Richard's Private Guard."

Her eyes went wide. "King Richard is leaving England so soon after his coronation?"

"It is indeed quite soon," he admitted. "But he will leave the country in good hands. He will appoint the Council of Regency, consisting of his loyal and trusted nobles, who will govern England in his absence."

"But King Richard has a kingdom to rule now. Doesn't he have a duty to stay here, with his people?"

"King Richard gave an oath that he would reclaim the Holy Land and Jerusalem from the Saracens. It has been our King's sacred dream throughout many years. Now he has a chance to realize this dream. King Philippe of France is also going to the Holy Land, together with King Richard." He laughed. "It will be the glorious Crusade of the two Kings!"

She eyed him suspiciously. "The King cannot stay?"

He shook his head. "Our liege would never come to terms with his conscience if he broke his vow."

"What about the King's duty to his nobles and the people? How will he leave his people so soon?"

Robin frowned. "King Richard must conquer the Holy Land. This Crusade has a great religious and political meaning." He rubbed his cheek. "Saladin unified the Egyptian and Syrian forces under his command and employed them to reduce the Christian states and recapture Jerusalem. The Pope Gregory proclaimed that the capture of Jerusalem was punishment for the sins of the Christians across Europe, and there was a call for a new Crusade to the Holy Land."

She arched a brow. "And?"

Robin swallowed hard. It was an emotional moment for him he had dreaded since his arrival from London, but he had to collect his composure and speak. "In response, King Henry and King Philippe ended their conflict with each other to lead a new Crusade," he continued flatly, his expression serious. "Now when King Henry is dead, it is King Richard's duty to respond to the call to arms."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "So you are intending to go to the war, with the King?"

He gave a nod. "I have pledged myself to take part in the holy war."

"It is a mistake," she commented dryly.

"It is my intention and my duty," Robin replied. He looked inspired. "I have to go to the war with King Richard! I have to help our King and England to conquer the Holy Land for the Christians!"

Marian looked taken aback, and her eyes glittered. "Robin, and what do you think about your duty to me? We are betrothed!" She raised her voice. "What about your duty to your people whom you are going to abandon?" She dragged a deep breath. "You are the Earl of Huntington. You have a lofty title and great lands in England. Many people serve you, and their lives depend on you."

His face clouded over as he looked at her. "Marian, I know that I have duties here. I have a duty to you and to my people, but I cannot ignore my duty to my King, my country, and the nation." His voice grew strained. "I am a knight and a man of honor. I am not a coward. I cannot stay behind."

"What about us? We planned to marry and live together!" Her voice sounded exasperated. "I hope our betrothal and upcoming marriage count for something with you."

Robin made a step forward. He scooped her into his arms, gazing into her eyes. "I love you, Marian, but I have to fulfill my duty to the King and England." His thumb caressed her cheek; his expression was sincere and tender. "I love you so much that I would willingly do everything for you – I would die for you if it means that you would live."

"I am not asking you to die, Robin," Marian declared in a plaintive voice. Her eyes were shining with tears. "I cannot imagine that you can die at the war, Robin. I cannot even think of your death." Tears welled in her eyes. "You will be nineteen only in several months. You are too young to die."

"My love," Robin murmured. He lowered his lips to hers, kissing her tenderly, relishing the feel of her lips molding themselves against his while their tongues waltzed to a rhythm dictated by their hearts. "I love you, Marian."

Marian pushed him away, running her eyes over the sunset-crimsoned clearing and thinking that at that moment she hated their favorite place in the woods. The approach of twilight thickened the haze over the landscape.

"Robin, please don't go to the Holy Land," she begged. "I want you to stay with me. I want you to marry me. I want to be your wife. Don't deprive us of the happy future we can have together." Her expression was frightened. "I fear you will be killed at the war."

"Marian, calm down," he said in soothing tones. He skimmed his ﬁngers over her beautiful features. "I will not die at the war! I will come back, and I will be with you!"

"Don't go," she beseeched.

"I have to go," Robin declared categorically. "I have to fight for England and for our King."

They started arguing. Marian watched Robin standing in front of her, gesticulating actively as he was desperately trying to explain that it was a matter of honor and that it was his duty for him to join the Crusade, but she didn't understand him. Truth be told, she didn't want to understand and listen to his explanations. She wished to think that his words were a bad joke, just another one of his mischievous games, but she could hear him, knowing that it was reality.

As if in reminder of that truth, Marian saw the setting sun ahead, glinting through the trees. As they stood in the peacefulness of the forest, the realization dawned upon her that Robin would join the Crusade in spite of her desperate pleas to stay with her. Even if he offered to marry her before his departure, she couldn't allow her heart desires to cloud her mind. She couldn't marry him.

Robin strode forward and extended his arms to wrap them around her slender waist, but she stepped out of his embrace. She didn't want him to touch her anymore.

Marian gave him a smile that was pure fury, and pure challenge. "Tell me the truth, Robin." Her gaze turned more intensive. "Why else do you want to go to the war? Is it everything about duty?"

Robin stiffened. "Marian, I inherited my title, estates, and lands many years ago after my father's tragic death in the fire." He sighed heavily. "Since then, I have been a young pampered nobleman. Your father, Sir Edward, and everyone loved and spoiled me." A dark shadow crossed his face. "I haven't done anything to deserve what God gave me from birth."

Marian shot him a fulminating glance. "You also want to achieve glory, don't you?"

Robin had to admit, he was blown away by her question. He thought that it would be easy and that she would comprehend him. It seemed so natural and right for him to join his King and fight for his country. He wasn't a coward, and he was a formidable fighter. He felt that it was a right thing to follow his liege to the Holy Land. There was no way that he could neglect his duty. And he wanted to cover himself with glory, for King Richard, for England, for his people, for himself, and for Marian.

"You are right. I do want glory," Robin drawled slowly, his eyes on Marian's face; he wanted to be as honest as he could. "King Richard is the greatest military commander in Christendom. He is the warrior King, noble, fierce and of matchless courage." He smiled dreamily. "I am sure that our King will leave behind a name echoing in many future centuries. He is a war hero and a sheer legend."

Anger simmered in her blood, and Marian wished to slap him hard across his smug face. "You want to become a legendary military commander, like King Richard. You want everlasting glory for yourself, and you want to become a legend. That's why you are travelling to the Holy Land."

He strode towards her, but then stopped, staring at her. "Marian, you know that Prince Richard had favored me before he ascended the throne, and we became friends."

"And because of your friendship with the King you want to leave England?"

He emitted a heavy sigh. "How can I abandon my liege when he is doing God's work by fighting for the Holy Land for everyone in Christendom?" He trailed off for an instant, his face suddenly aflame with enthusiasm, his eyes sparkling. "Richard greatly praised my talents with a bow and a sword. He himself knighted me in Poitou. Why can I not try myself in the military deal? I want to fight!"

"So you are joining the expedition to the Holy Land, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am," Robin state firmly. No smile lines formed in his face. He was very serious.

"Very well," she responded tonelessly.

Robin gave her a cheeky smile. "Will you marry me before I leave Nottingham, Marian?"

Marian studied Robin. He looked so hopeful and so dear that her heart thundered in her chest. Robin was her heart's desire, and she craved to be with him, but if he wanted to desert her, then she had no right to give in to her passions. If he naively thought that she would agree to marry him, he was mistaken. She was disappointed in Robin and the sincerity of his feelings for her; she believed that he hadn't cared for her and their future as much as she wished. If she had married him before his departure, she would have humiliated herself.

"I won't marry you, Robin of Locksley," Marian declared with devilish confidence. "You are choosing glory and fame on the battlefield over the prospect of marrying me and having a family with me. You are choosing glory over your love for me."

He made a step towards her, but she stepped backwards.

"Marian, please try to understand me."

"I am not going to understand you!" she screamed.

He sighed. "Your father understood me. He agrees with me that I should marry you before my departure. He promised that he would deal with all the arrangements for our urgent nuptials."

"I don't care what my father approves or not! I won't marry you!" Marian shouted wrathfully, not wishing to believe that her father wished her marriage to Robin to proceed.

Robin was silent for a while. He stood under the tree, his sandy-colored hair shining in the rays of the settling sun. He was young, powerful, and incredibly handsome; she found it difficult to tear her gaze apart from him. The sun cloaked him in golden light, as if affirming him the angel of court love.

"In this case, we will have to wait until my return from the Holy Land," Robin broke a long silence. His expression was smug and arrogant, and he suddenly looked as a haughty courtier, not as a young boy who courted her and loved her beyond any measure. "Then I will marry you."

Marian placed her hands at her hips, raising her chin. His smugness made her terribly angry. "Robin of Locksley, I wish you to find your glory you crave so much to have."

"Marian, I want to find this glory for you, too."

"I don't need your glory, Robin. You are a fool if you think so." She laughed. "Go and fight in the Holy Land with your King. I don't care whether you will ever come back from the war." The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.

He gaped at her in horror. "What?"

"I will never wait for you. I don't care if you don't return," Marian announced meaningfully. As anger blinded her, she wanted to hurt him as he hurt her. "I hope you will be slaughtered by the infidels."

Robin looked shocked. "I don't believe that you think so." He stared at her, clearly waiting for an explanation of her angry outburst. "Is it normal for you to wish me death only if I want to do my duty to the King and England?" He shook his head, his eyes full of pain. "Why are you saying that?"

Marian found herself at a loss for a moment. She knew that she behaved rudely and incorrectly, but she was too angry to control her temper. "I won't wait for you." She didn't answer to his questions. "If you want to chase after glory, then leave and forget about me."

"Think what you are saying," he admonished, his voice tense.

She stared at him, a disturbing emptiness settling in her chest. "You don't love me as much as you claim," she retorted. "I am breaking our betrothal. I will never marry you, Robin of Locksley."

Next moment, Marian slipped her engagement ring from her finger. Slowly, she turned it over and over in her hands, and Robin watched as she traced the ring of diamonds and the massive sapphire center carved in the shape of a flower. Then she threw the ring into his face, smiling at him, while inside her heart was tearing apart in pain.

Robin didn't flinch at her rough actions. He kept staring at her with a cold, impenetrable gaze. He didn't lean down to pick the ring up. He was silent for a long time. The wind soughed through the trees, a mournful echo of their desolate hearts.

Robin was shocked. He was heartbroken. He was humiliated. His pride was injured. His heart was bleeding. And his heart was bitterly angry as well, for his blood was hot and youthful and prone to boil. His body seemed to be clenched in hot anger so tightly that it was dangerously explosive. His fingers tightened into fists on his thighs. If she didn't want to be with him, then he wouldn't plead her on his knees; he respected himself too much to do that.

"How courteous and forward-thinking of you, Marian," Robin bit out. "Wishing a knight to die on the battlefield and ruining his dreams before his departure to fight for his King are the best things that any proper lady can do." He stared at her another long moment, his gaze chilly. "You don't have to marry me and be betrothed to me. Certainly, I am not planning to force you to."

Marian stood before him, with her mouth agape, her pulse hammering wildly, and her ears echoing with the faint yet unmistakable sound of his cold voice. She was so amazed at first she couldn't speak. She didn't expect to ever hear his voice so chilly and so distant. But it was his fault. It was he who was leaving her and his people. He deserved that she broke their betrothal.

"You will be fine at the war." She refused to worry about him.

"I promise that I will." Robin looked cold and stern, but there was so much sadness in his voice that she could hardly stand it.

Lifting her skirts with a heavy sigh, Marian swung around, not wishing to talk to him more. Her heart pounded as she walked away from her first love and former betrothed, disappearing among the trees. He called her "his love", but it probably meant nothing for him, she mused.

She didn't see Robin's face twisting in pain and despair as he watched her mount her horse and ride away. A pain too deep to be merely physical crossed his face. For a moment, his pain wiped out even his ability to breathe. Then he crouched and picked up the ring. He straightened his spine and stared at the ring in his palm, twirling it round and round on his finger.

Marian didn't understand Robin, but he also didn't tell her the truth why he had decided to go to the war. The pride and self-esteem prevented him from revealing to Marian that he had chosen to go to the war in order to prove to everyone and, most importantly, to himself that he was a strong man who deserved respect and love of his King and the people. _Robin believed that he had to prove that he was a much better and more capable man than a pampered and spoiled son of a nobleman, worthless of his title, respect, and love; he was naïve to think that fighting for England and his King was exactly what he needed to achieve his objectives._

For an instant, Robin regretted that he didn't allow Marian to look into his heart and soul, but then he couldn't have shown his inner insecurities and fears to the world, for it was his nature. There was no way he could have confessed that he didn't feel that he was strong and good enough to deserve Marian's love and her hand in a marriage; he feared to disappoint her as a man and a husband. Yet, Robin couldn't have told her the truth about the true reasons for his decision, because if he had done that, he would have been ashamed of himself.

Robin put the engagement ring into the inner pocket of his doublet. He turned around and slowly walked to his horse that was tethered to the tree in the other side of the clearing. He mounted his horse and set it into a gallop, wishing only to leave the forest and the place where Marian had ended their betrothal. His relationship with Marian was over, and now he had to think of other things – about the war.

Robin decided to leave Locksley and Nottingham not in a week, but tomorrow. He would tell Much to pack their things and prepare to depart for London in the early morning hours, he thought. He couldn't stay in Nottingham any longer, so close to Marian, with the memories of what they could have had if he had chosen to stay and marry her. He had to put as much distance between them as possible.

Robin thought that if he was destined to die in the Holy Land, then he would die for King Richard and England, and it would be a glorious death. And if the moment of his death ever came, he only hoped that God would grant him some time to think of Marian before taking his soul to Heaven. He would kiss their engagement ring, thinking of Marian and his love for her, as well as of everything he had left behind in England and would never see again. The ring would be his only memory about his shattered hopes and dreams. In his last moment, his lips would touch a cold metal, not her rosy lips, but his eyes would see only her beautiful face before the darkness swallowed him up forever.

Their dreams were shattered. Their hopes for the happy future were ruined. They could never see each other again. He could die and she would never see him again. Their betrothal was only an illusion, but their love was real, and it was stronger than death.

* * *

><p><em>I hope you truly enjoyed this scene of Robin's last meeting with Marian before his departure to the Holy Land. There is the same scene in one of the chapters in my long epic "Quintessence of life".<em>

_Marian doesn't understand Robin's desire to fight in the Holy Land when he could have stayed in England and marry her. She is very harsh in this scene, but she is acting completely in character, for on the show she could have been very harsh and cruel if anger and rage had clouded her judgment._

_Robin is a man of honor and duty. He cannot stay behind when King Richard goes to the Crusade. He wants glory and he is not a coward at all. He is young and naïve as he doesn't know yet that there is no glory on the battlefield, which he will surely understand later. He is also guarding his insecurities and true emotions, and he is unable to tell Marian about another reason of his departure – his feeling that he didn't deserve his titles and wealth, as well as her love for him._

**_Reviews are always appreciated. Thank you for reading his chapter._**

_Yours faithfully, Amaranthe Athénaïs_


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